"Furious"Styles,Uncle Phil and my Father.

"Aidan, I am learning this as I go. There isn't a playbook for being a Dad, and I don't have a point of reference." I told this to my son during a car ride maybe a year ago. It came on the heels of one of my lectures about how to "toughen up" and how "he needs to understand as a man" and then insert challenges and misconceptions. After I calmed down, or so I thought, I uttered the "learning as I go, no point of reference" excuse. It was weak. It was a cop-out. I missed the moment of providing guidance and, most importantly, love to my son. But my excuse prompted Aidan to ask: "What do you mean you have no other point of reference, Dad?" Posed with this question, I had to ask myself if I was misspoken. Being put on the spot by your child will challenge any parent, no matter an individual's intelligence or quick wit. Even the best parents can be left "stuck on stupid," but I have been "in the parent game" for a while now and am well-versed in the art of rapid-fire Q&A. I paused momentarily and remembered that although I have been blessed with great role models from my family, primarily my Uncles, received guidance from men who are exemplars in the community and been exposed to positive examples from fiction (television & movies), I was never genuinely provided with the model that I felt I was owed at birth. I took a deep breath and then offered my son the best answer I could provide. "Aidan, my father, your grandfather wasn't there for me growing up. I had a couple of visits here and there, but he never gave me any advice on much of anything. He is my father, but he has never been my Dad." Side note: A quick google search of differences between a Father and a Dad will make this very clear. Even space bandit Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy knew as much...anyway I then explained to Aidan that I was wrong in my excuse for taking the hard line with him. I told him I didn't need an example of how to "do this" because I know what I don't want him to feel as a kid. I love him and will always be here to figure "it" out. Whatever it is. During this past week, this memory has played out in my head like a song on repeat. Receiving the news of someone passing usually prompts memory and deep thought. The news of my father's passing has affected me more than I ever thought it would. My father, Karl Scotland, died on March 11th, 2023.

In 2013 I lost my Mother. When she passed, I felt like my North Star had left me. Thankfully I had a family that circled around me and provided me with all the love and support that any Son could ask for. As I mourned my Mother, I realized the following. Only after losing your parents will you receive your final inheritance. This inheritance will not be in the form of something tangible, and it will not be a monetary amount. Your gifts will come in two forms. One will be in clarity of thinking. The other will be your parent's true legacy. The clarity will be provided to you by a clear and unflinching look at seeing where your priorities have been. Whether they were misplaced or where they should have been. You will see who is truly in your corner, who will pick you up at your lowest, and who will support and love you unconditionally. Legacy will be what you will either live up to or what you will start anew. The gift my Mother left me was the value of family. Not just the family you are born into but the family you choose. In my Mother's case, it was the family that chose her. I was left with a community of people who will always honor and love my Mother through their love for me, my wife, and my children. I will never be without love and never turn my back on family, blood, or chosen.

So, what did my father leave me? What is my inheritance? My father left me an opportunity. The opportunity to be a Dad. The opportunity to be the father mine was never able to have. His passing has given me an accurate understanding of the man he was. The life events that shaped him. Through the testimony of my older siblings, many of whom I am meeting for the first time, I have learned that he was abandoned by his father. That he wasn’t raised by his Mother. Although he had some family that raised him, he had to learn a lot on his own. Learning this, I can understand to some degree why he was the man he was….some degree. But here is where we differ. I will never shirk the responsibility of fatherhood. I will never dishonor the privilege of being a Dad.

I can clearly see what happened to my father. But I can also see the legacy that he decided to perpetuate, one that stops with me.

"First things first: Rest In Peace Uncle Phil, for real. You the only father that I ever knew .."

One that I see my brothers have also laid to rest with my father. I have been left with the opportunity to be the example I longed for. A chance to strive to be the best Dad I can be. To be my own version of James Evans Sr. and Jason "Furious" Styles. To be "Uncle Phil" to my nieces and nephews. I referenced those fictional characters because those are the three I wished were my Dad from afar. For me and many others like me, they were the most available examples we saw. As great an example those characters were and as great an example my Uncles are, I now know through lived experience that the best example of fatherhood we can witness is the one we make. The one that stares back at us in the mirror every day. I will continue to strive to be that example.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and Mother; which is the first commandment with promise; that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Ephesians 6:2-3.

I do not quote scripture or the Ten Commandments often, but my grandmother was a god-loving woman. In honoring her spirit, I will honor my father and Mother. I will thank them for the gift of life, and I will thank them for the examples they have provided. May they rest in power, and may they rest in peace.